“DQ hour at the library was getting boring,” complained Claire Voyant, queen reader for story hour. “Every week, the same costumes, rainbows, and gay indoctrination stories. Then one day, in the middle of ‘Heather Has Two Mommies,’ a Catholic story broke out.”
“Turns out one of our queens was a priest. The kids asked about his dress, and he said to think of it as a Halloween costume. Then the priest starts telling stories about the origin of Halloween and how it used to be called “All Hallow’s Eve” because it was on the eve of All Saints Day. When the kids found out it was also known as “Dia de los Muertos” due to the deep and invisible connection between dead and living saints, they were hooked. We couldn’t get them back to deviant sexuality for the rest of the night.”
Interview with Ms. Claire Voyant
Sun: What did you do?
Claire: We panicked and tried to get them back with “Adventures with My Daddies,” but the kids didn’t care.
Sun: What happened next?
Claire: The following week, the kids asked the same priest-in-drag to tell them another story, and things got even worse. He goes on and on about how Saul tricked a necromancing witch into conjuring up the spirit of Samuel to ask him how to save himself from God’s wrath. Now all the kids want to hear are ghost stories.
Sun: Couldn’t you just do show tunes and wiggle your butts to a disco song?
Claire: That works for a while. But it’s supposed to be story hour, and the kids want stories. Our stories about repressed sexuality don’t hold a candle to the ancient Catholic stories. Their stories are about the origin of man and the Creator of the universe. They have battles, heroism, demi-gods, angels, demons, good and evil, sci-fi, the unseen realm, and everything else you can imagine. How can we compete with that?
How DQ Story Hour Became Popular
Sun: Then how did DQ Story hour become so popular in the first place?
Claire: No one was reading to these kids at all. All we had to do is put on a dress and start reading. There were no parents within a mile of the library. We gave parents a way to escape and get two hours of free babysitting.
Sun: Have any of the children converted to Catholicism?
Claire: Of course, it’s one of the job hazards: People hear the old stories and start thinking about Christ. Something about the Gospel makes all other stories a little boring by comparison.
A Queen in Every Story
Sun: So, what are you going to do, now?
Claire: We’re going to co-opt the old stories and put an LGBT or Q+ character in all of them. Our sister queens in Rome say the stories of St. Peters Basilica becoming a bathhouse of homosexuality are true. So we have slippers on the ground and a knowledge base to draw from.
Sun: I guess it’s true what Ruth Graham said in that magazine interview.
Claire: What’s that?
Sun: That if God doesn’t punish America, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
