On a recent call to Satan’s headquarters, Wormwood told the Sun he was considering “an official recall of earth-deployed field-workers due to lack of Enemy targets.”
“My emissaries are wandering for weeks to find anyone even mildly under Enemy influence. We may be approaching a time when it no longer makes sense to keep more than a handful of field-workers as a ceremonial holding force.”
Asked if this included his famous protégé, Wormwood pointed out that “Screwtape’s rank and experience put him at the top of the recall list.” Continuing … “He’s done well, but it’s time to come home.”
Asked if he had any concerns about the fullness of the Gentiles coming in, Wormwood said his office was looking into it. “The final Remnant may be smaller than we thought. Most of what we see now are what we call CINOs, or Christians in Name Only. These types are self-neutralizing and no threat whatsoever; some of our best work.”
When asked about timing, Wormwood was less forthcoming. “We need to match results with expenditures,” he barked. “And without the target-rich environment of Christendom, that’s getting harder to do. You must understand: the dignity and austerity of Hell are jeopardized when such exorbitant expenditures fail to show even a modest return.”
